WANT - The self inflicted pain....

I was watching this series today on discovery where a photographer took pictures of people who performed on the streets of mumbai....I grew up watching the rope walkers, the snake charmers, the guy with the monkey and the singers.....they were fascinating..the colours, the sounds....all that could make young and old alike to stop and take notice...in awe, in amusement..making them forget their problems for those few minutes as the lady beat the drum and the man walked across the rope with a balancing pole in his hand....
The photographer mentioned that he was capturing all these street artists on lens as they were fast disappearing with people seeking more lucrative opportunities ...what with the booming economy n all.... as sad as it sounds, it is one of those facts of life...he said...
In this series, he was taking a picture of a person who whipped himself .....and people in India actually believe that Goddess Durga relieves them of their diseases through this other human being who inflicted pain upon himself....I am unable to find pictures on the internet, but it was such a powerful series that it made want to cry and laugh at the same time....It was the artist's means of SURVIVAL...that self-inflicted pain earned him and his family his next meal....

What about me?I have a roof over my head...and I know where my next meal is going to come from....and a Husband who loves me in his own eccentric, quirky ways...:)...and I am sure that is the case with a lot of people...but all this does not leave us satisfied does it? We want a better life and keep looking for it right?At the end of the day, I think I am no different than the street artist .....I inflict pain on myself too by wanting more.....I think its human to want more....the only difference in my case being, its not to survive , but to LIVE life to the fullest and FULL is by self definition....guess this severe lack of satisfaction that is a necessary evil.....it makes us go for more, allows us to dream... but seldom gives us peace of mind....
thats how we differ from the street artists....he is SATISFIED..to survive....and not bother about real estate prices or rising standards of living....I am not too sure if that would work for me though... maybe not until I am above the material pleasures of life...and thats a long way to go...

So..until then..I shall indulge in dreaming about having a multi million dollar home in the Caribbean...a Ferrari to drive around and maybe throw in a private jet and an yacht too...:)....
Ta ta...

Not just a Song....

Another piece of my life. A song that has got me through really tough times..."Anything but Ordinary"- By Avril Lavigne

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turibulent, succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.


- Avril Lavigne

Chronicles of Self Revelation.....

Yo...wassup...hope the world around you has not changed much and if it has..hope you remember what it was like....it is this very thought that has prompted to record the current 'ME'...so one year down the line, i can read up on this and gauge how I have grown and changed....
I have never really thought that some of the things included below can actually be termed as things that define me...but I guess they do....

I am: Angel (guess thats never gonna change (DUH!))
I work for : Citibank as Asst. Manager , Operations and Technology
I stay in: Singapore
Things I love to eat: As most people think, its not salads (that I eat coz I need to stay in shape). I love rice, Noodles (all carbs!) and vegetables. And give me the quintessential south indian 'Thair Saadam' (Curd Rice) and 'Oorugai' (Pickle) any day....yummmmm
My favourite colour: Red, Black.
My favorite actor/actress: Bollywood - Actor: Shahrukh Khan Actress: Kajol Hollywood: Actor: Tom Hanks (for his acting) and matthew mcconaughey(coz he is like super hot! and I love his acting in the movie 'A time to Kill') Actress: Charleze Theron
I love watching: Comedies that don't involve any thinking...nothing heavy...,..life is too complicated as it is...and its supposed to be ENTERTAINMENT DUUUHHH!..... Some War movies (The Great Raid, Behind Enemy Lines), Epic movies (300, Gladiator, Alexander) and of-course Chick-flicks.
My favourite passtime: Watching TV. I loooove sitcoms - Current favs include 'Less than Perfect', 'Yes Dear'. Reigning favorite - American Idol, it is just inspiring.Also love the Ellen Degeneres Show. Hate serials...dont have the patience to actually watch it every week, barring American Idol (Period).
My Best Friend: Kiran Puttagunta.He stays in the US and is looking for an eligible girl to get married to. We know each other for the last 8 years since engineering college.
I love to listen to: Rock and Metal. Favorites - Metallica, Niravana, Alanis Morisette, Megadeth, Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park, Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden, Pearl Jam, Aha, extremes, Radiohead..Long list. I HATE HIP HOP.
I am obsessed with:Staying in shape.If my weighing points to anything more than 54 kgs, I get paranoid and quit eating for the next 4 days. I currently weigh 56 kgs and am trying real hard to lose weight. but my favorite foods (as quoted above) cause a conflict of Interest.
I am a hardcore Feminist and would not bear to hear the 'there are some things that women cannot do' Jazz from any bloke.
I looove kids ..if they are in someone else's lap... With kids, I believe in the concept of 'Good from FAR and when near, FAR from good'. So I prefer looking at them and saying 'Shhhooo Shhhwweeet'. PERIOD.
I Like reading: FICTION. Dont like the heavy thick, Management Guru type books. THEY SUCK! Currently Reading: Freakonomics- Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt. This is a good book.
I thrive on: Competition. It is the one thing that can make me stretch that extra 200 miles and at the same time frustrate me to tears. I welcome it anyways.
I am slightly pessimistic in nature and always think of and imagine the worst things possible. Its my way of being prepared for it.I am working on changing this trait of mine and hopefully, when I read this blog next year, things would have changed for the better.
I love to travel but need to probed into it.
I have absolutely no sense of distance and Direction. I would be as lost with a map as i would be without one.
I cherish a dream of learning to play the guitar and have my own band in the next couple of years.

I once heard "Growing up in about about finding out that what you said 10 mins back is more stupid than what you said just now and just now would mose certainly be more stupid than 10 mins later... and this is coz you learn and grow with every passing minute". Bottomline, growing up is all about improvement.... So hope to have improved myself in a year from now....

Astala vista Baby....I'LL BE BACK!

Phuket....the land of sand, surf and lady boys......

Hi,

How have you all been....in case you wonder why I always address my posts to people...I have faith... that someone reads this..:)...and what reinforces my faith is the comments you all leave on my blog..even if it is just one person....:) ..thanks...

Well, this is write something about the land of free spirit,....Phuket, Thailand...where prostitution is legal and lady boys (Men who decide they can't take having a penis anymore...and decide to get their breasts enhanced) who are treated with the same amount of respect as anyone else... and let me tell you..they are very very nice people.....Going to this place reminded me of the song by Sandy Thom....'I wish I was a punk Rocker'..great song...try to listen to it sometime...

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar,
Not everybody drove a car,
When music really mattered and when radio was king,
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul And computers were still scary
and we didn't know everything

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair ....


I managed to do all the things I have only seen on Nat Geo and wished to do...rented a bike...wandered around the place with a map,...sunbathed, snorkeled..(and officially declared that I am scared of deep waters, life jacket or not)....spent a glorious afternoon at a spa....

but there was something that caught my eye wherever I went, the spirit of the people,....they laugh and live a normal life even though they are fully aware that danger lurks around the corner every second...I am referring to the Tsunami....We discovered a place that might have been resplendent with lights and life when it was 'alive'...now all that were left of it were ruins...Pic included above...it almost made me want to ask that little bright red shrine, what the place was like before it was hit by the wrath of the sea....but then i guess that the magic of the sea.....its an oxymoron in itself.....you love it and you hate it....

In all it was a great trip and I want to go back to Phuket again.....to drink in its sights and sounds once more and spend lazy afternoons near the sea...hearing it roar and come after me...

When pop-stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when God Saved the Queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
When my mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair ....

Do you mean to be mean or do you not mean it at all?

Today's post is about all those millions of idiots (Read IDIOTS!) who go about saying numerous things that hurt other people and then cover up with ..."Oh! I did not mean it at all" or " arre wo to bolne waali baat hai"... I mean what the hell....

I liked this quote I read somewhere:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”....

So if someone says something and then adds " Oh I never meant what I said".. thats bull shit...he or she would only say what he or she would have thought of at that point in time...and if you are incapable of managing your thoughts... i.e. you cannot filter out the meaninigful and more sensible items to utter then how the hell do you expect to manage other people who are part of your team....

Managing your thoughts is not something a B-School education can impart to you....it is something that you as a teacher should have imparted to yourself as a student and if you have not managed to do that, then you are a bad teacher.

I seethe with anger as I think about these guys who are so impotent that they use a flimsy excuse like "I did not mean it" to try to get out of a situation. They dont have the guts to face the situation nor the intelligence to apologise. Then there comes the silent phase where they can't face the person they hurt and what I would term as pure cowardice, would be termed as these impotents as 'she- is- so- sensitive-that-she-takes-all-that-I-say-so-seriously'....Dude, maybe you need to realise that you are an important part of the other person's life and every little thing you say makes a difference in their life.

People who get stuck with such jerks as friends or any other relationship need to build a shield of immunity to their inane talk and try to live with it..with the thought firmly etched into their minds....these people are suffering from some need/insecurity in their life and they are trying to cover that up by saying things that may hurt you...so bear with them as you would bear with a lizard on your wall...its there...its harmless... but it gets on your nerves nevertheless.....

I would like to sign off by saying....actually nothing...because I dont want to say something and then say that I did not mean it...so ciao...

The magic of black and white.....

Its i: 17 am here in singapura... and yes I have work tomorrow... and yet I am awake to write a blog....:).. well.... thats me.. something would not let me sleep tonight... its not just one thing... its a multitude of things.. its like thats feeling when you are on a water bed...it was fascinating first... then you got onto it... and now the watery bubble under you is making you queasy...

I used to write...Funny I used the phrase "Used to write"....:).. anyways... I used to write and a lot at that....and I used to call it my catharsis....the black ink and white paper used to be my best friends... the ink would pour my heart out and the paper would listen to me.... as I said these words were my best friends....but that was WWWAAAAYYYY back.... somewhere along the line... I kinda neglected these guys.... and I feel sorry....at 1:22 am on a Wednesday morning I feel sorry......VERY Sorry....
Guess the reason why I stopped writing was because..I grew up...I did not need a paper and a pen to rant about my emotions ... there were friends... and as I grew up there was not much to rant about....

They say teenagers think the world is all wrong and they are meant to change it... So thats where I was when I used to think I was on this earth with a mission to accomplish...A Big mission where I would lead the masses to enlightenment... an oracle of sorts....and that was when I wrote the most.....will publish some of my poetry soon... I dont know where the damn notebook is right now....but it is here.. that I am sure of...
I continued to write through the boring lectures of Power systems and Communication during Engineering.... and at home when I had nothing much to do.... and then I did my PG and life changed.....please recall from earlier quote "I grew up" .....feeble excuse for dumping my best friends (the pen and the paper...remember?).. anyways....I had so much to do... so much to accomplish... that emotions were soon a thing of the past and it was work, work and more work....

I was never too good at expressing my feelings verbally....and after giving up on writing ....I guess I gave up on myself......I stopped communicating... and had time and attention only for my IIT and my job-to-come after my MBA.....

Then came phase three in life....I met someone who I could talk to...actually talk to....anything...and something just uncorked...everything poured out... I was happy-happy....really happy....(my pen and paper still forgotten!)....and emotions were alive again...I could feel tears, smiles, anger, all in full frenzy...( the frenzy being the result of corking up for so long)......guess thats what love does to you.... It CHANGES you....whether you and the person you are in love with are well equipped to embrace that change or not.... decides a lot of things to come......

Today....at 1:34 am I realise that my pen and paper are still my best friends....I am sure they would embrace me with the same love and affection, the paper being my confidant and the pen being my words.....I am sad from the bottom of my heart that they lie forgotten at the bottom of a pile of forgotten things....I apologise to them profusely....an am going to make a serious attempt at renewing the relationship that I had sidetracked for the past few years,.........

ADIOS!

A guy, a girl and three weddings....

Heloooo... well... news for you all.... I GOT MARRIED (picture included) ..incase you are wondering why my nose loks sooo red.....its coz in bengali weddings there is the important ritual of application of sindhoor on the wife's forehead,...the amount of Sindhoor on the wife's nose indicates how much the husband would love her after marriage... in that sense, I think my husband will LOVE me with a Capital L-O-V-E.... I moved to Singapore with my Husband after that......what do I hear? tinkle tinkle tinkle....sound of the many hearts broken... sorry guys.. this gem's taken..:)..

To introduce my husband... he is Dev...the guy I mentioned in my previous blog...my "best friend"... when I wrote that....little did I know I was going to get married to him in three months from the time I wrote that blog....:).. but then life is all about twists and turns that sometimes leave you spellbound coz of how much better or worse they leave you.....My life definitely turned for the better...:D.....

In case you are wondering why there are "Three weddings" in the title... thats coz I got married not once, twice but thrice...:))))....once in the south indian way (I am a palakkad Iyer), then the bong way(He is a bengali) and then in the court (that's for the GOI),....talk about ironies...till February 2007 I did not want to get married even once..... and by April 2007, I got married thrice... as I said... life has its twists and turns...:)

Everyone who meets me now asks me one question ..."How is life after marriage?"...Well...the only way I can reply to them is....a big smile on my face that its GREAT!!! coz thats what they want to hear,.... in reality... its just like being in a relationship...you go around with your boyfriend... and you marry him , so he becomes your husband..I dont see too much of a difference.....except now in various forms that I fill in, I need to write my name as Mrs. Angel Barat...:)... and its a nice feeling..

The above is more pertinant to just the two of us...but then...In India, when you get married, it is not just marriage between two people... but also between two families.... and in that sense you now have two sets of parents...and I am not kidding ...but I got the best in-laws in the whole world...(and trust me I am not trying to score any brownie points here)....they are really great....

Thats the newly-married-couple-with-stars-in-their-eyes scenario AFTER marriage..... I should have written this earlier when we were actually getting things readied for the wedding...... it was CARPE DIEM baby.....will write about it in my next blog...

I leave you with a thought....Marriage is like jello....its colorful, quriky and sweet... some may like the quirks and some may not.... I LOVE JELLOOO....:)))